He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
