isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
