whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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