WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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