He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
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He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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