we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
