i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
