I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
