You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
