I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
