enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
