That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
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And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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