turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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