Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
