Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
