so explain again why im purple
no
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
