i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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