I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
