So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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