Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
