I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
