Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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