I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
