Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
