my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
