i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
