I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm bleeding and have questions
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
