How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
