There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
