3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
