I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
