Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
