you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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