R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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