I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
