Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Be still, my beating vagina.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
