i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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