So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
