I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
