My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
