he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
