she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
