i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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