He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
