Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
