my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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