Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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