I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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