one might say we're banned from that church
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
