i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
