Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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