Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
