wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
