By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
