Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
