if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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